God is wicked retahded

religionbaseball.jpgSince most of the media has brushed over the Colorado Rockies’ “God’s Team” thing, here’s a devastating recap of the craziness.

Basically, the Rockies have openly stated that they target Christian players, which no matter how you slice it could be construed as discrimination. Which is, you know, illegal or something. Just in case you’re thinking there must be some sort of misunderstanding, Dan O’Dowd, the team’s GM, makes it clear it is what you think it is: “We’re nervous, to be honest with you. It’s the first time we ever talked about these issues publicly. The last thing we want to do is offend anyone because of our beliefs.”

Our beliefs. He’s talking about a baseball team. I used to think there were things that had nothing to do with religion, but I guess I’m an idiot. Read on to find out why Red Sox Nation is apparently stronger than God.

I’ll spare you the suspense: God does not give a SHIT about baseball. God might give a shit about the Middle East or Darfur, but I’m pretty sure Todd Helton’s batting average is not on his mind.

The Rockies front office seems to be unwilling to take any credit for the Rockies’ amazing run to reach the playoffs, where they won 21 of 22 games. “I think character-wise we’re stronger than anyone in baseball,” said CEO Charlie Monfort. “Christians, and what they’ve endured, are some of the strongest people in baseball. I believe God sends signs, and we’re seeing those.”

So the Rockies didn’t win because they had the best defense in baseball or got tremendous pitching and timely hitting down the stretch. They won because God is keen on the color purple and lame-ass vest uniforms.

They must all be crapping their pants in Denver right now, then, since the Red Sox are steamrolling the Rockies. If they were winning because God was on their side, does this mean the Lord hast forsaken them? Maybe, but it’s equally possible that God was just pissed off that some Rockies have had to complain about having their lockers searched for porno mags in the past.

That Jewish pitcher Jason Hirsch feels compelled, in the year 2007, to state of his team, “It’s not like they hung a cross in my locker or anything — they’ve accepted me for who I am and what I believe in,” seems like a really bad sign.

I have no problem with religion in general. It has unquestionably helped some people find solace and guidance when they needed it most. But selecting a doctrine on which to base one’s life is an intensely personal choice, and when that choice is foisted upon an arena that impacts a much greater and diverse public — not to mention a workplace — that’s a problem. This may not seem like a big deal, but if they had said they were favoring Muslim players, you know there would have been a huge uproar.

Suck it, Jesus. Manny is my new God now.

Published in: on October 28, 2007 at 4:42 pm  Comments (3)  

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3 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Wow, I had no idea! And here I’ve been suffering for the poor Rockies, feeling sorry for them, complaining they’re not well-matched and it’s all unfair. Screw em! Go Manny, Papi, etcetera!

  2. holla jesus christ?
    i think manny is a scientologist…

  3. poor kaz matsui. english isn’t his native language. he didn’t know what he was getting himself into when he agreed to get traded to the rockies. now he’s subjected to daily bible study groups and they confiscate his sake. free kazuo!

    here’s some more reading on the rockies. smoltz is a douche bag. (but i’ll still consider drafting him on my fantasy baseball team because my team doesn’t care about character.)



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